Jon Gibbs (jongibbs) wrote,
Jon Gibbs

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How to Become a Partisan - a twelve step guide

I don't normally post on a Tuesday, or talk politics, but I had an epiphany last night and I wanted to share it.

After living here for five years, I’ve finally figured out how to make my way through the conversational minefield that is political discussion. 

I'm going to become a partisan. 

I know, it sounds a tad radical, but when you think about it, I'll save hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours by never having to think about or debate the finer points of an issue ever again.

If anyone would like to join me, I've set out an easy to use, twelve step program which will have you sorted in no time. 
Democrat or Republican, it doesn’t matter which side you choose, just follow these simple rules and you’ll never have to worry about the pros and cons of any important political occurrence  ever again. 


1.  At the first sign of political discussion, mentally recite your new motto: "My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts."

2.  Remember, the people on the other side are always wrong, except when they’re right, in which case, that’s only because they stole one of our ideas and are now trying to pass it off as their own.


3.  When our base protests in public, it’s patriotism, the people have a right to voice their objections. When their base does it, it’s a fake protest, organized in advance by cynical right/left (delete as appropriate) zealots and distinctly un-American - if you can throw in racist, fascist, commie or Nazi in there, all the better.


4.  We don’t care if a Bill’s 1,000 pages and no-one (including us) has read it, we want it passed – unless their lot wrote it, in which case, it must be stopped at all costs.


5.  When our guy slips up, it’s kinda charming, it shows he’s only human after all. When

their guy slips up, it’s more proof that he’s a halfwit who has no business running the country.


6.  If we lose a close election, it’s due to voter fraud/bribery/corruption and we’ll demand as many recounts as it takes until we’re declared the winner, or the Supreme Court tells us to give it up. When they lose a close election, you’d think they’d just accept defeat and bow out with a little dignity, but they never do.


7.  When our guy goes on TV to lecture the nation for an hour about an important issue and afterwards, no-one knows what he was talking about, that’s okay, he's trying to get us thinking about the broader aspects.  When their guy does it, he’s hiding something.


8.  They think everyone on our side is uneducated, naïve and/or evil, but we know the truth: It’s they who are uneducated, naïve and/or evil.


9.  If their side tries to rush a Bill through the system, they’re trying to hide something.  When ours does it, it’s only because the fate of the nation, and perhaps the free world, depends upon it.


10.  We all agree there's no place in politics or the media for vile, spiteful, personal attacks on political figures, except when it’s directed at people on their side, in which case, this is politics, not kindergarten. Besides, it’s ‘humor’, so that’s okay.  


11.  We are not radical, we are passionate.  They're the extremists. Those [insert string of expletives here] on the other side of the political fence can’t even talk about us without swearing, which just goes to prove they’re not as open-minded as we are.

12.  It's not about a rational discussion of the actual pros and cons of an issue, it's the 'He said, she said' that's important .  After all, it's only politics, it's not as if it affects anyone, right?

Hope that helps

Did I miss anything out?

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