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Dear Her Madge,

Happy Diamond Jubilee! Sixty years is an awfully long time to be in charge of anything, so congratulations on staying the course.

As you know, I'm rather busy here on the other side of the pond, so I won't be able to take you up on your generous offer to drop by Windsor Castle and help you and Phil celebrate with a cup of tea and a sausage roll.

However, by way of showing you my appreciation on this glorious anniversary of your ascension to the throne, I thought I'd repost your message to the colonies (which first came to my attention courtesy of one of your lapsed subjects, Karen W. Newton (aka karen_w_newton):


To the citizens of the United States of America, from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first, to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!


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Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
mutive
Jun. 5th, 2012 10:50 am (UTC)
IDK, hard to take wise words of advice from an unelected ruler who's son (who I suppose will become the next unelected ruler?) claims he fantasized about becoming his mistress' tampon. *shudder*
bodgei
Jun. 5th, 2012 11:11 am (UTC)
Can we still play "rounders" as a warm up for cricket?

And what about things from Canada (like Moulson golden lager and Labat Blue lager and ice Hockey) since it is a Commonwelth countery?

And Mass is already filled with Roterys (round abouts)
darke_conteur
Jun. 5th, 2012 12:15 pm (UTC)
It's spelt Molson. :P

bodgei
Jun. 5th, 2012 12:42 pm (UTC)
Hey, I'm a non drinking learning disabled person. I worked hard to get my third grade spelling abilitys. Feel lucky I got the M in the right place.
;-)
darke_conteur
Jun. 5th, 2012 12:19 pm (UTC)
Heh, I giggle every time I read this. :D Oh, and I LOVE driving through a roundabouts!
glynisj
Jun. 5th, 2012 01:02 pm (UTC)
I showed this to my husband. His thoughts are this -- Okay, I can live with this except for the football change. Couldn't that be left in our lives?

For me -- you can get rid of football all together, both kinds. I have no interest in it.

God save the Queen!
krysteybelle
Jun. 5th, 2012 01:25 pm (UTC)
I laughed the last time you posted this, and I laughed again today. Thanks for sharing. =)
mtlawson
Jun. 5th, 2012 01:34 pm (UTC)
I can't help but think of the Spoonerism:

"Three cheers for our queer old Dean!!"
temporus
Jun. 5th, 2012 01:40 pm (UTC)
Sorry Jon, I think I need to rebut with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-9pDZMRCpQ
smeddley
Jun. 5th, 2012 02:28 pm (UTC)
You can't revoke something you didn't grant! I'm sure if you tried it'd go about as well as it did last time... ;p

(no, you can't even joke about taking away football, sorry!)
blood_of_winter
Jun. 5th, 2012 02:34 pm (UTC)
i like #15 the best...i wish we would do that!
bogwitch64
Jun. 5th, 2012 04:35 pm (UTC)
Love it!
ladysaotome
Jun. 5th, 2012 05:13 pm (UTC)
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

I thought that was Anne Hathaway's job in One Day?
nineteen68
Jun. 5th, 2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
HEEEheee! #15 is the best. Also #11.
roninangel
Jun. 6th, 2012 12:06 am (UTC)
you know what? AMEN.
raisinbottom
Jun. 7th, 2012 11:59 pm (UTC)
I think we can call it even after WWII.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

Things What I Wrote and Other Stuff

No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there


No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there















 











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