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Current WIP First Lines


I’m not sure who started this [editor's note: I've since been told it was[info]truepenny], but since people seem to be posting their first lines, and I can’t think of anything useful to say today, I thought I’d share some of mine.

 

These are from current WIPs that are either in the pitch stage, or the 'still working on it' stage.

 

THE FAMILY LEGEND (sci-fi short)

Terik stepped out of the hovercab into a large puddle.

 

INNER DEMONS (horror short)

The tear-stained face in the mirror could have belonged to any twelve-year-old boy, except for a pair of black, lidless eyes, which would have looked more at home on a shark. 

 

WAKING UP JACK THUNDER (sci-fi novel)

At 2:42am, with the tails of his gray trenchcoat flapping about in the breeze, Dimitri Vassilchen hurried through the dim-lit, back streets of Old Town Prague.  

 

FUR-FACE (YA urban fantasy novel)

Getting it back would be dangerous, he’d have to return tomorrow, and that meant avoiding Razor for one more night.

 

CURSED (100-word flash)

I awake from a nightmare, unable to move, or make a sound.


STICKS AND STONES (mainstream flash)

“I don’t wanna get up.”


CHILD KILLER (Horror short)

My brother’s death made the TV news.

 

IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD (100 word flash)

From my hiding place in the backyard, I watched as dad waved a pistol between Mom and my kid sister.

Now to get back to my Sunday chores.   


 

 



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Comments

( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
peadarog
Jul. 5th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
If you're asking -- and maybe you're not -- the first line of INNER DEMONS worked best for me. It was the whole contrast between the demon eyes and the tears...
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks :) Feedback is always welcome.
jjschwabach
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
I liked the first and the second best.

The last one either makes me really want to read it or really not want to, I'm not sure which.
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
Lol Thanks for the feedback :)
a_r_williams
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
[b]CHILD KILLER (Horror short)[/b]
[i]My brother’s death made the TV news.[/i]

--I like this one the best.

[b]INNER DEMONS (horror short[/b]
[i]The tear-stained face in the mirror could have belonged to any twelve-year-old boy, except for a pair of black, lidless eyes, which would have looked more at home on a shark.[/i]

--to me this sentence feels off. I think the "in the mirror" is what throws it off. The way it's described is as though someone is watching, but the mirror part makes it seem that it should come from the person with the lidless eyes( because they can only see themselves in the mirror ).

So I guess I'm just confused at who the pov should be.
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the feedback :). In Inner Demons, the POV person's reflection has lidless eyes.
dferguson
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC)
I like the first line of WAKING UP JACK THUNDER. And its a kickass title as well.
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
Thanks. In my wildest dreams, they'll make a movie of it one day :)
alaneer
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
Nice lines. My favorite is from the INNER DEMONS.
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you kindly :)
wordsrmylife
Jul. 5th, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
You definitely have a handle on first lines that make you want to keep reading. I will admit to a partiality for number one, with its combination of the science and reality.
jongibbs
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm trying to make it obvious to the reader that the story's set in the future, without being too scienctificky...ness...thing. If you know what I mean :)
kmarkhoover
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:27 pm (UTC)
I liked Inner Demons a lot.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:22 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
clarionj
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
Interesting to see people's reactions and how taste and maybe genre expectations come into play. I've different reasons for liking different ones--in the first the immediacy (puddle does that) and the quick set up of genre and place; in the second, the emotion/psychology I might want to follow to see where the character goes; in the third, the setting that creates a certain mysterious mood; in the fourth, the oh, no, I don't want anything to happen to a kid!; fifth, the clear statement, though on this one I think the note 100-word flash influenced my reaction, thinking what can happen in 100 words!; Sticks and Stones, ha, a nice universal to identify with; and in the last two, the tension and suspense that takes us to the next line.

There's quite a difference in these.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:27 am (UTC)
Thank you :) By the way, I had a go at a 25 word story yesterday, for that Hint Fiction anthology you promoted last week. Have you done yours yet?
jl_johnson
Jul. 6th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
Child Killer and In the Back of the Head have great opeing lines. That's what you need to grab the reader's attention.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:41 am (UTC)
Thanks. Now, if I could just do something about all the other lines in the stories... ;)
cloudscudding
Jul. 6th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)
I believe this started with truepenny.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:41 am (UTC)
Thanks for the info, I've amended the post accordingly :)
(no subject) - cloudscudding - Jul. 10th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Jul. 10th, 2009 12:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
mongrelheart
Jul. 6th, 2009 02:38 am (UTC)
Oh wow! These are really cool. I think the Inner Demons one is my favorite.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:44 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm glad to hear that Star is coming along nicely :)
mariadeira
Jul. 6th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC)
I really like the opening to Waking Up Jack Thunder.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 11:45 am (UTC)
Thank you :)

Good luck with Lilac Wine, when the markets you want to pitch to re-open.
karen_w_newton
Jul. 6th, 2009 12:22 pm (UTC)
Oooh! The CHILD KILLER one is gripping.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm kind of stuck at the moment. I have the outline and the first half done, but I'm not sure I can bring it in under 3500 words (the max allowed for my target, the GSHW competition)
(no subject) - karen_w_newton - Jul. 6th, 2009 12:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
catephoenix
Jul. 6th, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
The first two are my favourites.
jongibbs
Jul. 6th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
dynastic_queen
Jul. 8th, 2009 07:28 am (UTC)
Very nice--all of them! The INNER DEMONS one was my favorite.
jongibbs
Jul. 8th, 2009 11:22 am (UTC)
Thank you very much :)
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )

Things What I Wrote and Other Stuff

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