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By way of Karen W Newton (aka karen_w_newton)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


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( 85 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 5th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:31 pm (UTC)
That evil laugh of yours is coming along very nicely, Ros :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 02:57 pm (UTC)
This sucks! How will we EVER compete with New Zealand!?!
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC)
Well, they do have Gandalf and all those Orcs on their side, which gives them an unfair advantage if you ask me.
(no subject) - bondo_ba - Oct. 5th, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 5th, 2011 02:59 pm (UTC)
So, what's the tax rate for the wealthy in Britain right now? It has to be much higher than the States' variety, and I figure that'd wipe out our deficits very quickly.

Also, does this mean we have to listen to the Spice Girls?
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
Also, does this mean we have to listen to the Spice Girls?

Only if you really, really want to ;)
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, how cute. The Brits still think they have any actual power in the world. That's quaint. And sweet. And, naturally, quite silly. Britain fell to a second world power sometime in the last century if I recall.

As to playing cricket, wouldn't mind that over baseball. However, it is rather factually incorrect to say that baseball isn't played outside of America. Unless, that is, you intend to cede Canada to the US. Which is fine by us, but I suspect the Canadians might have a thing or two to complain about there.

But in fact Baseball is played in many Caribbean nations, like Cuba and the Dominican Republic. And let's not forget Japan. Mind you, we don't them play in the World Series, which is a shame, because it would be a lot more interesting if we did.
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:29 pm (UTC)
...we don't play [Japan]in the World Series

I wonder why not.
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:11 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahahahahaha! I love this so, so, so much. *wipes away tears of laughter*
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
I wish I knew who wrote it (actually, I wish I'd written it :)
(no subject) - omegar - Oct. 10th, 2011 09:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 12th, 2011 10:27 am (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:13 pm (UTC)
I could manage all of it except the driving on the left thing. That could cause a whole new revolution.

p.s. and NO Spice Girls!

Edited at 2011-10-05 03:20 pm (UTC)
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
Driving on the left is easy. I've been doing it since I got here :)
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 5th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karen_w_newton - Oct. 5th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:33 pm (UTC)
It is indeed. I'm very glad karen_w_newton sent it to me :)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 5th, 2011 04:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:35 pm (UTC)

This is awesome!!
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
'Tis a goodie :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
Jon, I have posted the American terms.
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
Feel free to share the link here :)
(no subject) - wendigomountain - Oct. 5th, 2011 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - out_totheblack - Oct. 7th, 2011 08:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:21 pm (UTC)
This is awesome!!! We might need the Queen to actually step in and fix our mess.
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:47 pm (UTC)
At the very least, the price of tea would go down :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:27 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! I could adapt to these :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:53 pm (UTC)
You know it makes sense :)
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 5th, 2011 05:43 pm (UTC)
The first step is always the hardest :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 06:04 pm (UTC)
Just for number 9 I welcome rejoining the Commonwealth. God save the Queen!

And a good pint.
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:10 pm (UTC)
I remember those :)
Oct. 5th, 2011 06:16 pm (UTC)
I'd seen this one during the last crisis, but it's still good. The bit about the armour makes me laugh.
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
i imagine it gets recycled every few years, but it's the first time I've seen it.
Oct. 5th, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahaa! Love it.
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
I wish I'd written it.
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( 85 comments — Leave a comment )

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