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A Letter from America (February 2011)

Dear Mummsie,
Greetings and salutations from across the pond.
Thank you so much for the food parcel you sent last month. The liver and bacon tasted absolutely scrumptious. The tripe clung to my tastebuds in the way that only tripe can, and your jam roly-poly with custard was to die for. Please send more when convenient – though if at all possible, in separate containers next time.
In your letter, you said old Mrs. Finnegan, the upstairs maid, wanted to know if that nice Kennedy fellow was still president over here. Bless her heart. I’m afraid he’s long since gone. Please tell her there’s a chap named Obama in charge these days. I know she’ll be pleased to hear they’ve got another Irishman running the show.  
How’s grandma doing with her dancing? I imagine the wooden leg raised a few eyebrows when she first started. Still, from the photo you sent, she seems to be enjoying her new job. I laughed when I read your note about the nightclub owner’s safety concerns. He just doesn’t know Gran like we do. The old dear’s got a grip like a drowning kitten. She won’t fall, no matter how much they grease that pole.
Life is good here in the US of A, but even after seven years, the natives still surprise me. Did you know they have a God of Winter? It’s true. Every February 2nd, they worship at the altar of some oversized gerbil by the name of Phil, asking for news on when they can expect to see the Spring. Haven’t these people heard of calendars? Mind you, I don’t suppose you can blame them. We’ve had more than our usual share of the wet and white stuff over the last few weeks. Your devoted grandchildren have never done so much shoveling. It’s exhausting work, believe me. I get tired just watching the poor little tykes. Still, it’s doing them good. Their teacher, Miss Kinsett, tells me they’re the strongest kids in pre-school.
In an effort to learn a bit more about American customs and history, I’ve started chatting with some of the locals. One fellow told me an interesting story about his great-great-great-grandfather. Apparently, the man was some kind of outlaw who robbed trains and rustled cattle down in Georgia somewhere. That is, until the day he was captured and hung by the Cherokees. You can bet that brought tears to his eyes. Boy, these Americans are strict. Back home, we’d have just sent him to prison.
Another neighbor, Mrs. Saskalitakoolapop (the one who keeps asking me what it’s like in Australia) wasn’t so helpful. She tried to send me on some wild goose-chase, telling me to check out President Lincoln’s Gettysburg address. As if I’d fall for that old chestnut. I may be unversed in American history, but I know for a fact Lincoln never lived anywhere near the place.  
Anyhoo, I’d better get a wiggle on. It’s almost time for my art lesson. We’re doing ‘nude painting’ again. It’s quite fun. Mind you, I’m taking my coat this time, the rest of the class kept staring at me last week, so did the model, and I got some very odd looks on the bus ride home. 
Hugs and kissy-poos to all the family,
Your devoted offspring,
PS: I hope Uncle Walter’s rash has cleared up.
Other letters from America:
July 2009
Halloween 2009

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( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 5th, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahhahaaaaa! Thank you for the chuckle on this dreary Saturday morning.
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:53 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Terri :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
Haha, Jon, I love these. Maybe a collection some day?
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:54 pm (UTC)
Lol, it'd be a small book - I've only done three :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 04:22 pm (UTC)
O(')bama is an Irishman*
I'm always tickled to read another of your America letters. Thanks and write home more often. :P

*That's my fav bit!
Feb. 5th, 2011 09:31 pm (UTC)
Re: O(')bama is an Irishman*
Thank you :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 06:37 pm (UTC)
I'm going to go back and read the ones you posted links to. You are SO funny! It's like a breath of fresh air. Thanks, Jon.
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 07:09 pm (UTC)
I'd like a collection as well.
Feb. 5th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
Feb. 5th, 2011 07:36 pm (UTC)
That's a hoot! Thanks!
Feb. 5th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it :)
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Feb. 5th, 2011 10:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:36 pm (UTC)
OMG Jon this is to funny. I now have to go and read the others. I think a collection of them would be great. LOL!!!

Hope yoo're doing well.

Feb. 5th, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Pat :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:50 pm (UTC)
Dear Johnnykins,

I am sorry to tell you that my sources have discovered that Obama is only pretending to be Irish. We think he's Italian.

Thank you.
Feb. 5th, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
Lol :)
Feb. 5th, 2011 11:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I needed this.
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:22 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Feb. 6th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
Haha, the god of winter. When I read that I was like, "What? We do?" And then I got to the next sentence.
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:22 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:23 am (UTC)
Feb. 6th, 2011 03:13 am (UTC)
Wonderful :) I especially like the God of Winter and the comment about another Irishman being in charge.
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:24 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
Feb. 6th, 2011 06:35 am (UTC)
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:24 am (UTC)
That's almost as good as LOLing, out loud isn't it? :)
Feb. 6th, 2011 06:57 am (UTC)
I had my suspicions about the east coast. ;D
Feb. 6th, 2011 11:24 am (UTC)
Hehehe :)
Feb. 6th, 2011 05:30 pm (UTC)
Still laughing...
Feb. 7th, 2011 01:06 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
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( 38 comments — Leave a comment )

Things What I Wrote and Other Stuff

No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there

No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there



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