?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

By way of Karen W Newton (aka karen_w_newton)

 
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

Tags:



Site Meter


Comments

( 86 comments — Leave a comment )
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
black_faery
Oct. 5th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:31 pm (UTC)
That evil laugh of yours is coming along very nicely, Ros :)
wendigomountain
Oct. 5th, 2011 02:57 pm (UTC)
This sucks! How will we EVER compete with New Zealand!?!
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC)
Well, they do have Gandalf and all those Orcs on their side, which gives them an unfair advantage if you ask me.
(no subject) - bondo_ba - Oct. 5th, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
mtlawson
Oct. 5th, 2011 02:59 pm (UTC)
So, what's the tax rate for the wealthy in Britain right now? It has to be much higher than the States' variety, and I figure that'd wipe out our deficits very quickly.

Also, does this mean we have to listen to the Spice Girls?
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
Also, does this mean we have to listen to the Spice Girls?

Only if you really, really want to ;)
temporus
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, how cute. The Brits still think they have any actual power in the world. That's quaint. And sweet. And, naturally, quite silly. Britain fell to a second world power sometime in the last century if I recall.

As to playing cricket, wouldn't mind that over baseball. However, it is rather factually incorrect to say that baseball isn't played outside of America. Unless, that is, you intend to cede Canada to the US. Which is fine by us, but I suspect the Canadians might have a thing or two to complain about there.

But in fact Baseball is played in many Caribbean nations, like Cuba and the Dominican Republic. And let's not forget Japan. Mind you, we don't them play in the World Series, which is a shame, because it would be a lot more interesting if we did.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:29 pm (UTC)
...we don't play [Japan]in the World Series

I wonder why not.
wldhrsjen3
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:11 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahahahahaha! I love this so, so, so much. *wipes away tears of laughter*
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
I wish I knew who wrote it (actually, I wish I'd written it :)
(no subject) - omegar - Oct. 10th, 2011 09:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 12th, 2011 10:27 am (UTC) - Expand
karen_w_newton
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:13 pm (UTC)
I could manage all of it except the driving on the left thing. That could cause a whole new revolution.

p.s. and NO Spice Girls!

Edited at 2011-10-05 03:20 pm (UTC)
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
Driving on the left is easy. I've been doing it since I got here :)
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 5th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karen_w_newton - Oct. 5th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:33 pm (UTC)
It is indeed. I'm very glad karen_w_newton sent it to me :)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 5th, 2011 04:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
quaero_verum
Oct. 5th, 2011 03:35 pm (UTC)
ROFL!!!!

This is awesome!!
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
'Tis a goodie :)
wendigomountain
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
Jon, I have posted the American terms.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
Feel free to share the link here :)
(no subject) - wendigomountain - Oct. 5th, 2011 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - out_totheblack - Oct. 7th, 2011 08:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
gilbertcuriosities.blogspot.com
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:21 pm (UTC)
This is awesome!!! We might need the Queen to actually step in and fix our mess.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:47 pm (UTC)
At the very least, the price of tea would go down :)
clarionj
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:27 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! I could adapt to these :)
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 04:53 pm (UTC)
You know it makes sense :)
(Deleted comment)
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 05:43 pm (UTC)
The first step is always the hardest :)
saetter
Oct. 5th, 2011 06:04 pm (UTC)
Just for number 9 I welcome rejoining the Commonwealth. God save the Queen!

And a good pint.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:10 pm (UTC)
I remember those :)
bondo_ba
Oct. 5th, 2011 06:16 pm (UTC)
I'd seen this one during the last crisis, but it's still good. The bit about the armour makes me laugh.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
i imagine it gets recycled every few years, but it's the first time I've seen it.
bogwitch64
Oct. 5th, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahaa! Love it.
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
I wish I'd written it.
coldhighmountai
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)
When can we have our fireworks ?
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
On Bonfire Night (November 5th), of course ;)
nancyfulda
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:06 pm (UTC)
This made me laugh. :)
jongibbs
Oct. 5th, 2011 08:12 pm (UTC)
Me too. I'm glad Karen sent it to me :)
snapes_angel
Oct. 5th, 2011 09:30 pm (UTC)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

No, no, no. To do this properly, you have to institute a new but perhaps related in spirit sat, usurping this tradition in favour of another one. Perhaps an intercontinental tea-and-crumpets day/
jongibbs
Oct. 7th, 2011 10:49 am (UTC)
Lol, sounds good to me :)
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:28 am (UTC) - Expand
snapes_angel
Oct. 5th, 2011 09:36 pm (UTC)
Are you quite sure her name has a "z", in place of an "s"?

Regards,
Elizabeth Anne Ensley
a/k/a snapes_angel
brotherskeeper1
Oct. 6th, 2011 04:06 am (UTC)
Avoid the wondering and just call her "Beth".
There is no S or Z to worry about :)
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 6th, 2011 02:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 8th, 2011 01:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 8th, 2011 03:04 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 8th, 2011 03:44 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 8th, 2011 04:00 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 8th, 2011 04:14 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 8th, 2011 03:21 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 8th, 2011 03:40 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 8th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snapes_angel - Oct. 8th, 2011 04:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 7th, 2011 10:49 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
itsallmishegoss
Oct. 5th, 2011 09:56 pm (UTC)
I so ganked this. It was just too funny. thank you for posting it.
jongibbs
Oct. 7th, 2011 10:50 am (UTC)
My pleasure. I wish I knew who wrote it so I could give him/her the credit.
girlspell
Oct. 5th, 2011 10:41 pm (UTC)
LOL...that is great. You should add that everyone will speak with an Oxbridge accent. And that your voice will be higher pitched. You will have to discontinue to brighten and whiten your teeth. You will have English teeth. All boys under the age of 14 will wear short pants to school...all year round. You will have to decide what kind of school you will go to. Some will go to the kind of school with boater hats and little jackets and practice for your career in Parliament. You will have a pink complection. The others will wear skinny pants with black leather jackets and start calling yourselves Teddy Boys. And practice with switch blades. They will have blotchy skin and missing teeth.
brotherskeeper1
Oct. 6th, 2011 04:04 am (UTC)
Does this mean that I can attend Oxford University?
(no subject) - girlspell - Oct. 6th, 2011 10:23 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 7th, 2011 10:55 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 7th, 2011 10:55 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 8th, 2011 12:18 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 7th, 2011 10:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
serge_lj
Oct. 6th, 2011 12:59 am (UTC)
Off with her head!
:-)
brotherskeeper1
Oct. 6th, 2011 04:02 am (UTC)
Aye, friend, but only after she has spent time in stocks.
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 7th, 2011 10:56 am (UTC) - Expand
brotherskeeper1
Oct. 6th, 2011 04:01 am (UTC)
Maxine Responds To The Queen
Dear Queeny.
I concur that you Brittish (the way it was spelled when I was educated) should revoke our independence due to the reasons you stated.

America greatly appreciates you disbanding the House, Senate and government offices. Most of all, you will make America a greater place for all of us by assuming our national deficit which the USA will not have paid off in the next 100 years.

Tea Time daily is fabulous on my part. I have at least 10 various type of tea, some of them English, believe it or not. I must say though, my tea is great but my crumpets are not what they used to be.

I am sure all American citizens are curious as to how you will deal with our growing problems of illegal immigrants from Mexico. I expect a personal reply to this question. Anything less and I will be in a snit, i.e., "miffed" as ya'll say over yonder on your island.
jongibbs
Oct. 7th, 2011 10:57 am (UTC)
Re: Maxine Responds To The Queen
I've passed your message on. Expect a respponse vie Royal Mail (or SAS hit squad) soon :)
Re: Maxine Responds To The Queen - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
lavericknine
Oct. 7th, 2011 05:28 am (UTC)
Lol, good one!
I'm sorry, but you must first dial a 1 ...Thank you.

Para español oprima dos por favor.

Helo,

Our records show you only stole the east coast of the United States from natives and hence you can only revoke the independence of original purchase, which comes to 13 colonies.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Namaste~


(This Comment has been brought to you, in part, by China.)
jongibbs
Oct. 7th, 2011 11:02 am (UTC)
Re: Lol, good one!
Lol, nice try, but check the small print. When we Brits hit Virginia, we claimed claim all these lands and teritories.

If you need further conformation, I'm sure the original e-mails on the subject are an one of King James first's old 'compyuteres', as they were called back then. :)
Re: Lol, good one! - out_totheblack - Oct. 7th, 2011 08:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Lol, good one! - brotherskeeper1 - Oct. 7th, 2011 11:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
out_totheblack
Oct. 7th, 2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
I've read this before and it only keeps getting better.
brotherskeeper1
Oct. 8th, 2011 03:56 am (UTC)
I've never seen this before and that surprises me.
(no subject) - jongibbs - Oct. 8th, 2011 08:43 am (UTC) - Expand
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
( 86 comments — Leave a comment )

Things What I Wrote and Other Stuff

No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there


No longer in print but there are still some copies floating around out there















 











THE MEAGER PUDDLE OF LIMELIGHT AWARDS


Books by my writer friends - compressed

NJ Writing groups - compressed

NJ writing conference - compressed

Tags

Latest Month

July 2017
S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Paulina Bozek