10) Unless you accept me as a client, this marriage is over!

You aren't my first choice and probably aren't intelligent enough to understand the depth of my manuscript but the conference people assigned me to you. If you are smart enough to want me as a client I'll let you know what our contract terms will be.

Hahaha, I needed this today.

I've so much to catch up on. It has been weeks since I've gotten to your Friday writing blogs. Sigh. I want to go back to being a writer. :)

Hope you're well and life's being good to you.

LOL - great post, Jon! How about "My mom thinks I'm the next J.K. Rowling!"

Or "My story is too complex to sum up in a short format so I've taken the liberty of putting it to music. Here, hold my guitar case..."

I'm just willing to bet an agent hears #8 more than anything else.

10. I don't read much, but I'm sure you'll find that my novel is very much in the same vein as what is popular these days. It's like Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean with a little Michael Bay thrown in for action. I can also write the screenplay, and direct if they can't get Spielberg...now, I've already put together a prototype for the action figures that will follow the movie when it releases...

10. If you don't sign me up as a client, you're missing out not only on the millions of pounds my book will assuredly make, but also the chance to share in a project that will change the lives of everyone who reads it.

Yore skin sure is soft and purty, ain't it?

"I done a little writing in high school, and all my friends said if I'd have went to college I could've been a writer." (spoken in a New Jersey dialect)

"If this gets picked up by a publisher, the editor will fix my spelling and grammar, right? I read that somewhere on the internet."

Look,I've got so many projects going on that I'll leave this Manuscript with you; call to discuss terms when there's not a CSI Episode on. I have had several incredible novels so far on the back burner that some of them fell off the stove. So, I belch this thing out in 2 week just to get something printed and sell about 10,000 copies.
Talk soon, gotta go...

This was a great laugh for a Monday. Thanks.

Hmmm...
“Help me agent Juan Quixote. You’re my only hope.”
does have a lovely sound to it...

I did actually conclude a half-page contact/query letter with this:

In any case, it does occur to me that anyone who would
recommend that an author write The Lost Life of Eva Braun might
also see the real value of my novel. If I’m right, please let me know
at your earliest convenience. If, on the other hand, I am entirely wrong
about you, kindly disregard this inquiry.

Warmest regards and best wishes,

Someone told me that
"If, on the other hand, I am entirely wrong about you,"

was the best piece of self-sabotage they'd seen in years,
so I've been careful to avoid saying anything like that since.

Brilliant, Jon. I love these.

"This is the very first draft of my 250,000 word novel. I finished it last night and I want you to be the first to read it. You just HAVE to read it."

You had me on the floor with #5.

You're too funny.

#10: My book really represents itself, but since I need a drone to do the paperwork, I thought I'd give you first shot.

#10 - The first chapter might not grab you, but keep reading. It's a great story.

Or maybe better still: #10 - The first few chapters might not grab you, but keep reading. Once you get into it it's a great story.

Your search for the ultimate novel is over!

Sick #10 I have a bomb in my underdrawers.

(That has soo many things wrong with it.)

10. All those idiots who wouldn't touch it just didn't have any vision.

10. "I don't actually have a book, but I thought if I told you the idea, you'd see how awesome it is, and you could find someone to write it. I only ask 90% of the profits."

10. "Should I wear this outfit on Leno and Letterman, or maybe something a little brighter? You ARE going to get me on Leno and Letterman, right?"

10. "My parakeet is sick and I have this weird tingling feeling in my elbow and my water heater broke last night and I think I might be starting to get an allergic reaction to the strawberries I ate at lunch, but my sister says my allergies are all in my head, but what does she know, she lost her job last summer and since then all she does is make dolls out of old bleach bottles and tell me how to live my life, and her husband, let me tell you, her husband is just the craziest--oh, my book? I just wanted you to understand the kind of pressures I'm dealing with, because my landlord is threatening to evict me and my cousin won't help me pay the rent even though she could totally afford to ..."

10. "If you want a bestseller, jump on board right now, because I guarantee every other agent in this room is gonna want me by the end of the day."

10. "All I ask is that nobody change a word of my manuscript."

10. "I really just wanted to ask you about the other agent that you were sitting next to at lunch. Do you know if she's taking on new clients?"

10. "Are you in on the conspiracy?"

You know, you look just like the person I brutally murder in chapter four. Here's the chapter, what do you think?

I'll have you know, I used #5. It totally works. LOL!!!! I laughed so hard I can't think of a #10.

#5 - priceless :-)

#10: I want to save the rainforest, so I took the liberty of printing the novel on both sides of this matchbox.